In the beginning...

So this is it. I made a decision and now I have to live with it. After many years going back and forth, threatening divorce, fighting, making up, misery, sadness, thoughts of checking myself into a mental facility, or just disappearing altogether, I did it. I made the heart wrenching decision to leave my husband, my safety & security and the reason I'm crazy. We met on November 29, 1997. I was pregnant by mid-January. So, to say we started out on the wrong foot is an understatement. We moved in together when I was 8 months pregnant after a long conversation where we listed all the things we did and didn't like. Mashed potatoes vs. baked. Wire hangers were unacceptable. Seat belts were mandatory. You know, all the important stuff. We didn't know each other. AT ALL. We had a beautiful baby girl. We bought a house. We got married. 5 months after our wedding I had a breakdown. Couldn't get out of bed for 2 days. My daughter played with puzzles in my bed and watched Veggie Tales. My husband didn't know how to deal with emotions. He called my mom. This should have been the red flag. He never knew how to deal with my emotions. Told me to grow thicker skin, stop crying all the time. He had no empathy and I was the most emotional person on earth, or so I thought. This went on and on. 2 years into our marriage we were in counseling. Then we figured we'd have a baby and it would make things better. I remember when my babies were tiny, I was SO HAPPY. Now that I look back, I should have just kept having babies. Then I'd be so busy being a mom that I wouldn't care about myself or my feelings. I used to apologize for not being able to be a good wife to him. I used to try and figure out how to be a better wife, but then I'd give up because it seemed like SO MUCH WORK. I just wanted things to be simple, easy. We fought over everything. We were so very different. We couldn't bridge the gap. We lived in the same house for 10 years. Then we moved to the suburbs, hoping that a new house in a better neighborhood and school district for our kids would make everything better. We looked all over for homes. We couldn't agree on one. Finally, he made the decision. He picked the house and I was adamant against it but I caved. I figured I could be happy if he was. That was the beginning of the end I think. The fighting started to get to the kids. My daughter started cutting herself. She was so miserable and hated her dad. They fought now all the time too. He became a bully. My son would lose himself in his video games. I was walking around so angry all the time. I have a very stressful job, but I love it and I have been working my whole adult life to get where I am. He never understood. He wasn't a partner. Finally, November 18, 2012, I woke up and asked him to leave. It was the most horrible day of my life. He packed up while I cried. He went to stay at his mom's. My mom came to get the kids because I couldn't stop crying. I think I cried for 11 hours straight. But then, I felt relief. He stayed gone until March. I caved and let him come back, but he had to sleep separately. Said he was going to do whatever he could to make me love him again and make it work. That lasted about 1 month. We lived the next 7 months like ships passing in the night. It was tense. The teenager got worse. The fighting started again. I made some huge mistakes. Finally, in November of 2013, I told him I was done. I moved in with my best friend until I could find a place. On December 20, I finally moved into my own apartment. I've been scared shitless ever since. I don't know when I'll get used to this new life but I'll tell you what I have learned, and that's what this blog is going to be about. There's the cliff notes version. Enjoy the ride...